I have never been good at coping with death or losing people who I care about. I mean, obviously I know that death is easy for no one and that everyone grieves, but I guess some people just deal better than others. Whether it’s a matter of just not having the emotions to express your feelings, or just being desensitized due to past experiences, it’s a known fact that everyone grieves differently. In my experience, I can go one of two ways. I am either the calm, consoling type, that grieves while making sure the people around me are okay, or I completely shut down. The ultimate reason I have decided to post this here is because I don’t know exactly how to explain how I feel after the recent death of a close friend.
It’s not common for me to talk about those that I have lost in this way, I’d say I’m a pretty private griever, but due to a recent event, and the fact that my new counsellor thinks its best for me to use my writing as an outlet for this kind of thing, here I am and here are some statistics: In my 24 years of life I have lost two family members and five friends, three of which were extremely close. In this post I am going to be talking about two of the people I have lost, for a few different reasons.
Though all of these losses were difficult, I had by far the hardest time (up until now) coping with the death of my friend from high school, who passed way too soon from cancer in his liver. I still remember that morning at 6am when my mom called me while I was living in London, to let me know that he had passed, before I went online to be shocked by all of the posts. I remember sobbing, which was never a first reaction that I ever had in this kind of situation, and then I remember staying curled up in my bed re-watching all of the movies he had filmed over and over, re-watching all of the clips from drama class, or our school plays. I spent the day looking through photos him and I had shared and I just wept and wept. I hadn’t known him for as long as I have known some of the other people I have lost in life, but it was my first true loss as an adult, where I could distinctly see and understand my stages of grieving…or at least I thought I understood.
This past weekend I lost one of the most genuine people I have ever known. He was one of the first friends that I can recall, one of the first people I can remember playing with as a kid, and one of the only kids who stood up for me when I was too shy to. Actually just last year I found a messily written secret note that he must have written in grade 1 or 2, reassuring me that “maysie iz a nice nAme.” He always hated that the kids in our class made fun of my name, and he was super vocal about it. It was the first time someone defended me, and I remember it so vividly. Growing up, we were simply inseparable, be it Kindergarten to grade 6, or even just kinder karate, our parents had to break us up so often. Our families were always that close though, I’m almost positive that he was one of the first non-related kids I ever met, I think around age 2 or 3. Our families were so tight that we always ended up going to each other’s big family christmas parties, where we would hide out and play pool, or video games because the adults were so boring. I look back now and I cannot think of one single bad or negative experience that I ever had with him. Actually, that’s not true, I totally can! We were in a self-defence karate class, we had to have been 5 or 6 and we were paired up and he accidentally punched me in the chin (not even that hard) but I remember him crying way more than I did.
Even though we and our families drifted apart with time after we moved away to another town, in passing at shows or events we were always able to pick up right where we left off. Looking back now, I really wish I had of made more time to come out to visit and catch up with him. It’s still unclear what exactly happened to him, but from the sounds of things, it seems like he could have used someone to talk to, and that is what breaks my heart the most.
Cody, you had this way of brightening any room you walked into. You could make anyone and everyone feel welcomed and safe, and you could make anyone (no exceptions) laugh.
Without a doubt, Hamilton is going to be a lot duller without you there to brighten it up!
There is so much more that I want to say, that I need to say, but every word that I type breaks my heart a little more. I have quite a few posts written and saved so that I can start releasing content on a more regular basis, but I’m not sure when that will be starting now.
Rest in Paradise Cody Gillespie
Love always, maysie.